tragic ends and happy beginnings
by quinnking
Summary: The only problem, though, is that she's not smiling her beautiful smile at you.
1. ready to run through the heat of the sun

_i need you right here with me._

* * *

Her smile is the most radiant thing about her. Plump lips stretched wide to show the pearliest white teeth you've ever seen. Her eyes gleam, washing away all the sadness that you usually see within them.

Her laugh is musical and it floods your insides with a warmth you've never felt.

She says something, but you can't hear, and that's okay because she's smiling and if you died right now, this sight would ensure you'd die happily.

The only problem, though, is that she's not smiling her beautiful smile at you.

* * *

It's two a.m. and you finally start to doze off when your phone rings. You contemplate ignoring it but when you check it and the caller ID shows Regina's name, you answer it without hesitation.

"Is everything okay?"

She's quiet on the other end of the line and you wonder briefly if she hung up.

"Regina?"

"Can we just stay like this?" she asks and the static cracks through the phone.

Your heart sinks, she sounds so sad. "Sure."

So you sit in silence with her, listening to the way her breathing changes from erratic (she'd been crying, and that makes your insides twist in a bad way) to shallow to even. She fell asleep.

You look at the clock on your nightstand. 3:41 a.m.

"What's wrong?" Killian mumbles from beside you and you almost jump.

You hang up the phone. "Nothing."

* * *

Snow is bouncing baby Neal on her knee.

"Did you hear?"

You're eating a bag of chips and through the crunch you manage out, "hear what?" and go back to munching.

"Regina and Robin are engaged."

You stop eating immediately and when you swallow what's in your mouth it goes down slow and painful and a lump sits in your throat.

"When?"

"Last night."

You take a long drink of water and wish it was something stronger. "How do you know?"

"Granny," she says, as if it's obvious.

 _Granny, of course._

"I'm surprised you didn't know, Em," Snow says with her eyebrows risen. "You and Regina were so close, I thought you'd be the one she called after it happened."

"She's busy." You say the words and you wince as soon as they come out with the mental image of her and Robin that follows.

Snow giggles. "I'll bet you're right."

Neal hiccups in response, as if he agrees, and bursts out into tears.

 _I feel ya, kid._

* * *

You see her next at Granny's, alone, sitting in your booth. She called you earlier that day to make lunch plans. It's been two weeks since the engagement. You've been avoiding her but you can't anymore.

She smiles up at you, not the smile you love but still a beautiful smile regardless, and your heart stutters in your chest.

"Hi, Emma."

You give her a tight smile. "Regina." You slide into the booth and she studies you in that way of hers, big brown eyes drifting over your features to try to find a crack.

"I'm guessing Snow told you already."

You nod, a clumsy bob of your head that makes your hair shake. "Yeah."

"I want you to be in the wedding."

Your eyes are wide when you look up to meet her gaze. "What?"

"I want you to be in the wedding," she repeats. "Snow will be my maid of honour but I want you to be in the bridal party. It would mean a lot to me." She smirks then. "Your father offered to give me away, with Henry on my other side. Roland will be ring bearer." She pauses for a moment. "Plus Robin already has your handless wonder in his."

"Oh," you say, because you can't muster anything else and you're in so much pain that you have to remind yourself to breathe.

Her eyes drop and so does her smile. "Unless you don't want to be in it."

You immediately feel like shit for putting that look on her beautiful face.

"No, of course I do," you amend. "You're my best friend and I want you to have the best day possible."

She smiles again, _that smile_ , and everything feels okay again. For now.

* * *

"I can't do this anymore, Swan."

You want to feel something. Pain, hurt, sadness. But you feel hollow and damn it, he actually deserves better than this half assed attempt at a relationship.

"Do what?" you ask, because you're Emma and why would you make it easy on him.

Killian doesn't look angry. He looks sad. And for a moment, there's a flicker of understanding.

"I'm tired of coming in second to Regina," he says, his tone final and thick with emotion. You open your mouth to retort but he cuts you off. "Don't, love. I see how you look at her. How you didn't get serious about you 'n me until she and Robin shacked up."

Your mouth opens again but no words come out, so you close it.

"She doesn't love you back, Swan," he says. "And I do but I can't live here with you and pretend like we're this magical story when you've got the hots for the Queen."

You're struck speechless.

"I'll always love you."

You clear your throat. "I do love you, you know."

"I know, love. But not as much as you love her and I'm too old to be a second choice."

He gives you that devilish smile you fell for and then he looks sad again, about as sad as you feel.

"I'm sorry."

He just nods. "Me too."

* * *

You pound on the door, the gleaming 108 shining in the setting sun.

"Emma, hi," Regina says as soon as she opens the door and your heart does the thing it always does when you see her.

"Hi," you croak. "Can I crash here for a couple of days?"

Regina raises an eyebrow.

"Killi-Hook and I broke up," you explain. "And he's moving his stuff out and doesn't want me there."

Regina's lips part. "Of course," she says, and she moves aside and this sense of deja vu hits you like a brick wall. "You can stay in the guest room."

"Thanks."

Once the door is closed, dark eyes search you.

"What happened?"

You clear your throat. "Mutual decision. No spark, no use in pretending there is one," you half-lie. "I'm okay."

"I never liked him, anyway."

You laugh, because she put on her regal tone and you _know_ she never liked him.

"Where's Henry?"

"With Violet," Regina says sulkily.

You snicker. "He's a teenager, Regina."

"I know. I don't have to like it, though."

You nod and she leads you into the kitchen. You'd normally tell her not to bother making you food but you're actually starving and this woman can cook.

"Dinner for two?" Regina asks, and your stomach swoops.

You nod again, because you don't trust your voice, and watch her cook your meal.

Regina doesn't tell you to leave, even after you've been there for three days. But when your phone pings and Killian says all of his stuff is out of the apartment, you know you need to leave. Regina insists on cooking you two dinner.

You don't ask where Robin is, because you want to pretend. Pretend that you live here with her and your son, that you're more than just friends, that you're _more_.

"That was delicious, Regina," you murmur, wiping your mouth with the back of your hand. You start to get up so you can do the dishes when she stops you.

"I got it."

You look up at her, standing above you and looking like a goddess. A kitchen goddess. Is that a thing? Yes, it's a thing. Now it is.

"Regina, you cooked for me for all the nights I've been here. Let me do the dishes."

You get up and bring your plate with you to the sink, dropping it in with a clunk.

She walks up behind you. "I'll dry, then."

You almost laugh, because she has to have the last word, and that's such a _Regina thing_ that you let it go and nod.

When you hand her the plate, your fingers brush and you swear your whole body starts buzzing. You wrench your hand away as if she burned you and she gives you a quizzical look.

You both don't talk while doing the dishes until she puts the last dish away and you say, "why are you marrying Robin?" before you can stop yourself.

She turns to look at you.

"Because I love him, and he loves me," she tells you.

You swallow because suddenly there's a lump in your throat and you're having trouble breathing. "You really love him?"

Her gaze turns hard. "Did you really love Hook?" she counters, and your heart sinks.

"Yes," you whisper.

"Yes."

She moves closer to you and your hip hits the rim of the counter. "You can't do this, Emma," she says. "You can't do this when I'm finally happy and finally getting the happy ending I deserve."

"But-"

"No. You don't get to speak. Listen." Your heart feels like it dropped into your stomach and you hold onto the counter behind you for support. "I loved you once, you know. But you didn't feel the same way."

She really thinks that?

"In Neverland, I loved you so much. But you had eyes for your pirate. It's too late for you now. Because I love Robin and he loves me and I'm _happy_."

You feel tears welling up in your eyes but you can't respond with words, because you just can't. So you pull her face to yours and you kiss her.

It's not at all what you thought it'd feel like but it was also everything. And she reciprocates, just for a moment, before pulling away.

"I think you should go," she whispers, brown eyes watery.

"Yeah."

* * *

You call her two weeks later, because it's honing in on her wedding day and you love her so you want to be there for her. Even if she's not marrying you, you want her to be happy.

"I have a dress fitting in two hours with Snow," she tells you over the phone.

"I'll be there."

You watch her try on dress after dress, your mother placating the nervousness that skids over Regina in waves and makes your stomach queasy because you want her wedding to be what she deserves.

She tries on her last dress. It's beautiful, really and truly stunning. The bodice is strapless and jeweled up and it looks amazing with her darker skin tone, and the bottom is simple and elegant. She looks like a queen.

"You look beautiful, Regina," Snow says, teary eyed.

Regina looks at you in the mirror and you meet her eyes. You don't say anything at first, instead, just looking at her. "You look beautiful," you repeat, because it's worth repeating.

"Oh, Em, you look nice."

You're wearing the purple and black bridesmaid dress that Regina is making you wear. You blush anyway, even if the compliment is coming from your mother.

"You too."

Snow sits you in front of the mirror so she can fix your hair. She spins you so you're face to face.

"I'm not blind, you know," she says, with no pretense or exposition.

"What?"

She gives you her best _bitch please_ face, eyebrow risen. "I see how you look at her."

You play dumb. "At who?"

"Regina."

"I-"

"Emma," she stops you. "It's okay. You share a son. You're similar in personality. You're probably the best friend she's ever had and vice versa. I've always seen it, but I know it must be hard on you."

You did not expect this. Of course, you didn't expect homophobia, but you also didn't expect open acceptance.

"I'm sorry it didn't work out," she continues. "Regina taught me about true love, and you're my daughter. You both deserve it more than anyone, and if that meant being together, who would I have been to stop it?"

You want to cry, because this is so like your mother. Surprising you, making you sad, and making you feel secure and safe all at once.

"She really loves him," you say.

"She does."

"I missed my chance."

Snow spins you around to face the mirror and fusses with the back of your hair. "You did," she agrees. "With her. This isn't the end of the road."

"I love her so much," you say, and your voice breaks.

"You missed your chance."

You nod numbly. "I just want her to be happy."

"And she is. Finally, and that's not just because of him, you know. You helped. You and Henry are a large source of her happiness, even if it's not romantic. She loves you."

"But she loves him more."

"Yes, possibly," she agrees.

You bite on the inside of your bottom lip until you taste blood. "I do want her to be happy. And I would never jeopardize her happy ending for my selfishness," you say, because you need to say it out loud.

"I know, honey," she says soothingly. "I know. You really are a remarkable woman and you deserve your happiness, too. She knows that."

"She needs me more as a friend, doesn't she?"

"Yes."

 _Then that's what you'll be,_ you decide right then.

"True love comes in many forms, Emma," she reminds you and you believe her.

The wedding is beautiful and Regina is beautiful, and you look away when they kiss after their I Do's, and you hate yourself for it.

But watching them would've been too much for you.

"Thank you for coming," Regina says much later, picking up her dress to shuck off her heels.

"You look amazing," you manage out, and you blame the wine.

She smiles at you. _That_ smile. "Thank you."

You hug her. Really quick, bodies barely brushing, but enough for you to want to cry.

"Thank you," she says to you again.

"You already said that."

She looks at you. Really looks at you. "I mean for not pushing and for not making this hard."

You give her a genuine smile. A small one. "I want you to be happy."

"I know." She kisses you on the side of the mouth, lingers there for a second. "I know. And I want you to be happy, too."

You believe her.

"I know," you say, and you believe yourself, too.


	2. no proof, one touch(but you felt enough)

_time moved too fast, you play it back._

* * *

She looks radiant in black. It truly is her colour, you think, as she sits in a booth at Granny's with Henry.

Rage and mourning are a blend that makes her as beautiful as the stars themselves.

And you feel like an asshole, really, because she's your best friend and she just lost her husband.

Snows hand is on your elbow because she _knows_ you and knows that you want to go over there, to her, and soothe her.

"Emma," she warns. "She's with Henry right now. Give it time."

"But-"

A single look from Snow has you almost wanting to cower with your tail between your legs because _seriously,_ you're trying to score a widow just after her husband died?

In your mind you know that that's not your intention but your reaction to his death and to her in black makes you feel cheap all the same.

* * *

No one has seen or heard from her in days and it makes you nervous. Your phone doesn't leave your sight and you're sure if you ask Henry how she is one more time he may combust.

Until Snow calls you and says, "I had lunch with Regina today."

You almost pout, but don't, because you're not that big of an asshole. "She'll have lunch with you and not me?"

"You know that it's different, Emma," she says, her voice taking on a hard, protective edge.

"I know," you say as you toss yourself onto the couch. "How is she?"

Snow sighs. "She's mourning. She feels like it was her fault because he stepped in front of her."

Your frown deepens because, wow, yeah, you're a jerk. He died to save her life and you're moping because you haven't seen Regina in a week.

"You have to give her time," Snow reminds you. "You're her best friend, she'll need you."

You nod, because you have nothing else to say and you grip the fabric of your sofa tight in your free hand.

"I have to go."

"Emm-"

You hang up before you can hear what she has to say.

* * *

A knock on your door jolts you out of the hard sleep you were in. You're still on your couch and your back aches with exertion as you roll off onto the floor and drag yourself over to the door.

When you open it she's the last person you're expecting.

"Are you drunk?" she asks, voice full of reproach.

Your ears ring. "Not anymore," you mutter. And you let her through, moving to the side and letting the door slam. You regret this immediately.

"I'm sorry I haven't called you back," Regina says after a couple of seconds.

She looks completely out of place in your now-messy apartment. She's wearing black, but there's a pop of red, and your eyes glue to that.

"You've had a lot on your plate," you say, gruffly, and you watch as her red lips quirk upward humorlessly.

You let all the feelings of not seeing her for the past few weeks flood into you, washing over your body. She looks good. Not forced, not completely fixed, but _good._

"I just needed… space. The only person I've seen other than Henry is-"

"My mom."

She nods, sitting down on the couch. "She's… helped me," she says, as if it still pains her to admit that. You almost laugh. "I've also seen Archie a few times. He may not be a real doctor but he is a good confidant."

 _So am I,_ you think but don't say, biting your tongue.

"I'm sorry," you tell her and you regret it when you see her face darken.

"I don't want sympathy, Emma. I got too much of that over the past couple of weeks."

You nod and sit beside her on the couch.

"I don't know exactly how you feel," you start, voice wavering, "but I know a lot about loss."

She's looking at you now, all big brown eyes, and goddamn, it's distracting.

"I'm trying to be a friend," you tell her. "I'm going to be a better friend to you now. I'm here for you."

You feel the coldness of her hand on yours and it shocks your heart into a stuttering panic.

"You're a great friend, Emma," she says, and her voice is so soft. "I can tell you're going through some things. Henry can sense it, too. Snow… well, she's not exactly the best liar and when she said you were fine… I knew you weren't. I could just tell."

You feel your eyes well up. You're supposed to make her feel better and here she is, making _you_ feel better.

"Stop," you say with a small laugh, and you absentmindedly run your thumb over her hand.

"I'm… not okay," she tells you, honestly. "I'm still warring with myself and the cricket tells me I have a lot of self-loathing issues to get through." She pauses for a moment, takes a shaky breath. "But I think I _will_ be okay. You won't see me going all evil queen on the town any time soon."

You chuckle. "You're so strong, Regina. Don't let yourself feel different."

"You're sounding like your mother."

Another laugh, from both of you this time, hers a little wet and yours a little fake.

"We all care about you."

"I know."

* * *

It's a couple of days later and you're laying in bed hopelessly and when you turn to see that it's 2 a.m., you want to throw a tantrum.

You haven't been able to sleep since you saw Regina last, the conversation replaying back in her head.

You're about to pull the covers over your face when your phone lights up and vibrates from the pillow beside you.

Regina's name flickers across the screen and you answer it without hesitation.

"Emma?" she says, a little breathless and sounding like she's been crying. You try not to picture how her face looks.

"What's wrong?" you ask immediately, sitting up in bed.

There's some rustling. "I need -"

 _What?_

"Can you come over, please?"

You waste no time in pulling on clothes and rushing out of the house.

You use the spare key Regina gave you years ago and let yourself in, being careful by taking your shoes off and hiding them in the closet before tiptoeing up the stairs.

Regina's door is cracked open so you take that as permission and you walk in and close the door quietly behind you.

"Regina?" you whisper into the dark and stay still by the door until your eyes adjust and you see her curled up in her (holy shit, massive) bed.

You walk cautiously forward, making sure not to stumble or make a fool of yourself, until you fold yourself beside her on the bed.

"Hey," you say, voice soft. She moves a little and you can see her face. She's not crying, but she probably was earlier, and you reach out and brush her hair out of her face. "What do you need?"

You see her grip the sheets around her until her knuckles are white. She doesn't answer for a second until you hear her murmur, "can you hold me?"

Is that all?

"Of course."

You both move until she's tucked under your chin and your legs are tangled together under the covers. You hold your breath for a couple of moments after she melts against your body. She's so warm and your fingers are tracing the skin of her back under her nightshirt.

"I'm sorry," she says. "This is selfish but… I just needed this."

"It's not selfish."

And surprisingly, you mean it. You'd do this for anyone in town, and this goes double for Regina purely because she's been through so much _shit_.

"I feel like…" She pauses and, did she just wiggle closer to you? "I feel like I'm abusing your feelings for me."

Your heart plummets, because you never want her to think this, no matter what.

"Regina," you say, and your voice comes out as pained even to your own ears. "Please believe me when I say that can't be furthest from the case." You feel her lips move against you in retort, but you're not having it. "I knew you had feelings for me, sort of, and would you say I abused your feelings for me when you did stuff for me?"

This is the first time you'd said it, aloud to Regina. The first time you've admitted you have feelings for her.

"No," she relents. "I still have feelings for you." Your heart hammers in your chest. You think you misheard for a moment. "I always did. You understand me like no one else does. And no one else ever will. It's something that can't be taken away, something that's so uniquely us."

 _Unique._ You yourself have used that word to describe the two of you. Unique, and special, and those are words that starkly contrast yourself, but god, they're synonymous with her.

"Why didn't you want to see me after…"

"I wasn't ready to see anyone, Emma," she says, and leans up so she can look at you. "It had nothing to do with my feelings for you. I was… I was _sad._ Someone died for me. Someone I loved died, because of me. And I wasn't ready to share that pain with you. I'm not sure I'm ready now."

You swallow thickly. "I understand."

"I know you do," she says, gently. "But please don't push. I know it's in your nature and your fierce in your protectiveness, but this is a process I need to get through on my own. You can be a crutch but you can't be the force that moves me fully."

You almost burst into tears because, fuck, you really love this woman. She's so strong. She's been so strong, has overcome so much, and now you're overwhelmed with the warmth in your body.

"Don't get mushy on me, Swan," she says, voice thick, as if she's not the one crying into your shirt.

You both stay silent for a few minutes, and you count in your head. Your fingers don't cease their movements on her back and she keens a little when you shift the position so you're spooned up behind her. Your fingers splay on her stomach protectively.

"I love you, you know," you say before you can stop yourself, because you're afraid if you don't say it you may explode with it.

"I know," she replies.

You lean forward and nudge Regina's hair away from her neck before playing a kiss there. She stiffens for only a moment and you stay very still before she cranes her neck and captures your lips with hers.

It's not at all what you were expecting for your first kiss.

If you'd kissed any other time, you think, it would be overflowing with passion. It would be a harder moment. But this, this is tender and intimate and you fight all signals in your body telling you to run because something _clicks._

Her lips are soft against yours, lingering, until you open your mouth a little under hers.

She pulls back, but not much, your noses are still touching and your breath still mingling.

"Goodnight, Emma." She gives you a small smile before turning and pressing her back closer to your front.

"Goodnight, Regina."


End file.
